The past week has been really hard for me. Last Tuesday I lost my Gran who was my only grandparent I’ve ever known, who looked after me every Sunday night growing up, who took me for days out and dreaded what sort of accident I’d get myself into, who played Croc with me on my PlayStation even though she had absolutely zero interest, who taught me to cross stitch, who without fail called me Samantha and not Sam, who let me build forts in her spare room, who as I grew up trusted me to take her out when nobody else could make her leave the house, who never told me to my face but bragged about me (and the rest of the family) to her carers, who never wanted to get old and sick but unfortunately did.
I wear my heart on my sleeve so trying to be strong and face reality this passed week has been really hard. My friends and family have literally been my comfort blanket, getting texts with no context just with kisses, my big sister Michelle ignoring her own grief to be the strong one and just knowing I had somebody to whine to even though they couldn’t make it any better, I literally cannot thank them enough.
Everybody keeps telling me it’ll get easier and I know it will, however, at the moment it’s hard to understand how. Today is my last chance to say goodbye to her and it literally breaks my heart to think she won’t be sitting around the table this Christmas or sending me Words With Friends invites (which she just got annoyed at because she never won) or even just at home to pop in to eat my lunch with her on my days off. I don’t think I’d ever be ready to say goodbye but unfortunately today I have to.
I hope she knows how missed she will be____ x